'Moms Talk' Q & A: How Do You Manage Fair and Equal Treatment?

Each week the council will answer a question on parenthood posed to them by readers or another member of council.

This week, Moms Council members address the challenge of treating children equally.

Kim Zannetti: Having 13-year-old twins, we have always struggled with this.  However, we do tell our children that life is not always fair or equal.  What someone needs may not be what someone else needs at the same time.  We focus instead on meeting the individual needs of each of our children rather than getting caught up in the "equal" trap.

Kelly  Brindle: With my second pregnancy, I wasn’t at all concerned about the baby, “been there done that,” but rather how my son was going to handle having a sibling. After five years of having a sister, I think he’s adjusted pretty well – she talks, runs, plays (although not the way he wants her to), and goes to school with him.

It’s an interesting dynamic, the brother/sister bond, one that both my husband and I are unfamiliar with, he has a younger brother and I have two older sisters. One minute they are kicking and punching each other, the next they are laughing, giggling and getting into mischief.

What I find interesting is the whole “I want what he/she has” and I'll throw a fit until I get what I want. Mostly this behavior is exhibited by my youngest, my son just mopes about and five minutes later gets over it or incessantly asks about it until I can’t take it anymore. However, there are Cub Scout activities that she isn’t allowed to go on, or Adam and I will go to a movie, or he’ll get a reward for his report card (ice cream or a pack of Pokemon cards) and Jill will cling to my legs for dear life and say, “mommy, I want to go toooooo.” It breaks my heart, it still does, I can’t help it, but she and I do lots of things without the boys, I’m hoping this phase will fade soon.

So, does having two kids mean there is no way to treat them fairly and equally? Unless they are twins, I’m not sure how you can ... would love to hear from other parents!!

Here are some of my Facebook friends' answers:

Chris: honestly.. I tell them life isn't fair and not everyone gets the same treatment. It's all dependent on attitude. For instance, my daughter gets more things than my oldest did/does ... because she gets good grades and for the most part is a good kid.

Matt: Rachel and I were talking about this last night. We can't treat our kids the same because they are so different. Kind of like how every patient is different. If the doctor prescribed the same medicine or treatment for every patient then there might be a perverse sense that it would be "fair" but it would not be helpful. As to how to best explain that to the kids, good luck. But I do think it's important to try to
explain it to them. I think they comprehend more than they let on sometimes.

Lisa: I have 5 1/2 years between mine, so that is one way we explain things. Maddie gets to do more (playdates, bike rides, etc.) than Emma. But, Emma doesn't have as long as time outs, or punishments. I think Maddie gets it, doesn't mean she likes it all the time, but she understands. Emma doesn't really get it yet.

Beth: You can't. All you can do is love them with your whole heart and do the best you can.