Do Tell: If You Don’t Have Kids, What’s Mother’s Day Like For You?
Mother’s Day is almost here. I want to make it clear: No thoughts here of disrespecting the day that we remember the woman who gave us life. I’m glad there is a Mother’s Day. Truly. What I'm questioning is, how do women without children — NotMoms — handle the day?
Reading comments to this blog and others by and for childfree and By Chance women, and by talking to childless friends, it seems clear that this holiday has hidden speed bumps. But, I also know women who are rather matter-of-fact. They wanted kids, didn't have them, and now, they don't think much about it, nor does Mother's Day mean anything to them but another Sunday. Are there as many reactions as there are NotMoms?
Some women said they prefer to stay at home on Mother’s Day to avoid being given a free flower or other business “gifts” to women customers. Either they quietly accept the rose or whatever, or they refuse it, saying “I’m not a mother.” Consensus feedback is that gift-givers generally push it more firmly in your direction saying, “Take one anyway” adopting a tone bordering on sympathy. No childfree woman ever wants that kind of sympathy, and few By Chance women can bear it.
By now, I'm never surprised when childless-by-choice friends tend to be a bit peeved when confronted with ubiquitous pink and cheery, misdirected good wishes. Likewise, women who once dreamed of their own Mother’s Day breakfast in bed had responses that ranged from sad to (confrontational) when asked a simple question:
“As a woman without children, what impact does Mother’s Day have on you, if any?”
What about you, Dear Reader? Does Mother’s Day affect you positively, negatively, or not at all? Do you spend so much time with your own mother that you really don’t think about the more personal side of the day? Or do you go to the movies and lose yourself in a good comedy?
tom m
8:58 am on Tuesday, May 8, 2012
well with 31 other special days in May alone to choose from, not to mention that mothers day is actually leprechaun day also ......http://holidayinsights.com/stpat/leprechaunday.htm
But lets not also forget the 31 other special holidays in May (the greeting card companies will love you for it)
1 Mother Goose Day
2 Brothers and Sisters Day
3 Lumpy Rug Day
4 Bird Day
5 National Hoagie Day
6 National Nurses Day
7 National Tourism Day
8 National Teachers Day
8 World Red Cross Day
9 School Nurses Day
10 Clean up Your Room Day
11 Military Spouses Day
12 Birth Mother's Day
13 Mother's Day
14 Dance Like a Chicken Day
15 Police Officer's Memorial Day
16 Love a Tree Day
17 Pack Rat Day
18 Visit Your Relatives Day
19 Armed Forces Day
20 Pick Strawberries Day
21 National Waiters and Waitresses Day
22 Buy a Musical Instrument Day
23 Lucky Penny Day
24 National Escargot Day
25 National Missing Children's Day
26 International Jazz Day
27 Sun Screen Day
28 Memorial Day
29 Learn About Composting Day
30 Water a Flower Day
31 Save Your Hearing Day
Julie A. Short
9:00 am on Tuesday, May 8, 2012
I was 43-years-old before I gave birth to my son. That's a lot of Mother's Days as a "NotMom." Sometimes it was hard, but I had my own mother to celebrate and my sisters and friends to be proud of the great mothers they are. I lost my mother to cancer a year before my son was born. I truly believe he was a gift from my mother. Happy Mother's Day to all the moms and Notmoms. It's a day to celebrate all women!
Michelle Simakis
11:58 pm on Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Thanks for sharing your story, Julie!
Karen Malone Wright
7:13 am on Thursday, May 10, 2012
A beautiful thought, Julie! It is, truly, a woman's day to be appreciated and to appreciate herself.
laurie scher
6:35 pm on Tuesday, May 8, 2012
What is a by chance woman?
Michelle Simakis
11:57 pm on Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Thanks for reading, Laurie. A woman who can't have children by chance - it wasn't a choice not to have children.
Karen Malone Wright
7:15 am on Thursday, May 10, 2012
"By chance" (some call it " by happenstance") describes women who wanted children or who were ambivalent, and are childless through no deliberate effort or intent.
Lissa D
1:34 pm on Saturday, May 12, 2012
I still get to celebrate Mother's day with my mom and I am very grateful for that but I still find Mother's day depressing. I am 53 yrs old and was unable to have my own children as a result of chemotherapy 17yrs ago. . When I mention how sad it makes me that I don't have kids people remind me I have step children. My 2 step kids are great and I love them very much but believe me it's not the same as having your own children. I didn't get to spend that much time with them as they were growing up and most mother's days I was lucky if I got a last minute text message from them. I'll never know the thrill of hearing a child call me mommy or grandma. My husband & I considered adoption but the costs are ridiculous. We have a lovely home and could provide a wonderful life for a child, we just could not afford to "buy" the child. So as mother's day approaches I have to see & hear commercials about being a mom, see all kinds of mother's day posts on facebook and have well meaning people wish me a Happy Mother's day. I know it's only one day a year but it's a painful day and will be even more painful when I don't have my own mother to celebrate with. I hope that anyone who is blessed with children appreciates what a gift it is because there are so many people out there like me who wish they could be a mom. We remain silent. No one really seems to think much about the women who can't celebrate this day and how sad it makes them. I do.
Karen Malone Wright
3:45 pm on Saturday, May 12, 2012
Big cyberhug back at you, Lissa. I believe that silence is the easiest path for many women without children, whether they chose childfree life or not. It feels like wild abandon to break that silence, as you and I are. Thank you for your thoughtful post.
Sherri Richardso
3:59 pm on Saturday, May 12, 2012
I will celebrate Mothers day at someones home prefer not to go to out. It is diffacult I am 43 we tried for 5 year in our 20's after 3 tubals I was told no more. If we do go out getting that flower just makes me upset, I now try to stay home for this very special day and let the ladies that have children have a Happy Mothers day. I will call my mom and sister and tell them over the phone and then go and see one of my 6 neices or 6 nephews they are the only children I need.
Karen Malone Wright
12:18 pm on Sunday, May 13, 2012
I am sending you BIG hugs, Sherri, as I have been where you are. Professional counseling may be of some help, and you may note that speaking about your feelings -- or writing about them -- can provide a needed release as well.
Deanna Perdue
2:00 am on Sunday, May 13, 2012
I also think of those mothers whose children are no longer living. I am thinking of Jackie Rylander, who buried her son with full military honors yesterday. This will be a very difficult day for her, and all the other mothers who have lost their children.
Frank
7:45 am on Sunday, May 13, 2012
What do u say to ur wife who has no kids and gets sad she may never on mothers day? The closets thing we have is two cats and I got her mother day cards from them and I still see the sadness in her and don't really know wat to say.
Karen Malone Wright
12:28 pm on Sunday, May 13, 2012
Frank - You're an awesome husband. Hug your wife, then hug her again. Let her cry, in your arms if need be. Calm yourself by remembering there is nothing you can do or say to make her pain completely disappear. Keep talking to her about the Hard Stuff, sharing your individual and shared frustration and hurt. There's no easy answers here.
roughrideralum
9:03 am on Sunday, May 13, 2012
Most women "mother" lots of people in their lives. Mothering is loving and nuturing and being thoughtful and kind. It's probably not quite the same to her, but celebrate all that she does for everyone in her life-especially those kitties! :D
FionaH
6:17 pm on Tuesday, October 2, 2012
It is unbearably sad and painful. I tried to have children for almost a decade. I will be thirty one in three weeks and now my boyfriend just called me, saying he would like to discontinue trying until (maybe a year from now) I could not convince him otherwise. I have four sisters, all in their late twenties/early thirties who do not have children and no brothers. There is nobody to carry the family name, and my sister is dying of hepatitis C. Not only do I not know what it is like to be a mother, but not even an aunt. I cry every day. I am so unbearably sad.
Karen Malone Wright
8:06 pm on Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Big big hugs from cyberspace to you, Fiona. I am childless not by choice as well, and I am also the "last of the line", I am a godmother, but as an only child, I'm not an aunt, either.
Once I realized that motherhood wasn't going to happen for me, and adoption wasn't a viable option, t was blessed to find a retreat that helped me release the grief and move on. From there, I launched my blog/website, TheNotMom.com, which I hope is a resource for all women without children, regardless of how they got there. For me, it felt as though no one else understood what I was going through. The Internet, and the world, can be a very Mom-centered place. I know now that I wasn't alone, and neither are you. I pray that you find peace. Thank you for sharing your story.
Ayana G.
10:45 am on Sunday, May 12, 2013
Hi everyone, this was a question that really hit me this year. I am the oldest in my family and the one with no children. At times there is a void from not having my own, and sometimes i try and not think about it. maybe right now it is best i don't have any. later on, I believe god will hear me and grant me that special child with a loving father.